


White Noise

by zwischenimmerundnie



Series: The Only Thing [4]
Category: Armie Hammer - Fandom, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Timothée Chalamet - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Sad Ending, Things Are Getting Sad, moody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 20:29:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14120172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zwischenimmerundnie/pseuds/zwischenimmerundnie
Summary: Time was ruthless, of that Timothée and Armie were sure. Now that reality had kicked in, they were having a hard time adjusting to their new dynamic; things didn´t seem to work the way they wanted and it was taking a tool in both of them. Can they find a way to make it through the hard times of their relationship?





	White Noise

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been surrounded by a lot of Sufjan Stevens, so sorry if it´s a little moody, but I promise you I will do my best to give them a happy ending. 
> 
> follow me on tumblr if you want!

 

****

**_Timothée_ **

****

**_We´ll see each other soon._ **

As Timothée walked the streets of New York City, the rain clouding his vision and soaking his clothes, he replayed on his head the five words that had suddenly became their mantra. After almost four long weeks without seeing Armie, every single bone inside of him was screaming that this wouldn´t work, it couldn´t work. _Long distance relationships are difficult **,**_ Pauline had told he and he agreed with her, they were indeed difficult, but how could they even call what they had a relationship when in the course of the four weeks they had been together they had only actually been together for forty three hours?

What kind of relationship could be built in this situation? Timothée knew how much Armie meant to him and he liked to think he knew just how much he meant to the older man as well, but even with that, even knowing that their feelings for one another had survived the three years of radio silence, the brunette still struggled to accept that this was a good way to start anything, let alone a romance.

At the end of every call, every text, at the end of every Facetime session they shared those words and yet since day one something about them seemed untrue. Timothée wished he had been wrong about that.

As he entered his building, he checked his phone, only to find three missed calls from Armie. He sighed, dialing the man´s number as he made his way up the stairs; the phone rang a couple of times, before a sweet young voice answered it. “Hello”

“Hi Harper, it´s Timmy,” he said just as he walked inside the apartment. On the other side of the line, the little girl happily greeted him, her sweet voice bringing a smile to his lips; he had always loved the little girl –and Ford- and the happiness she had demonstrated to have him back in her life made Timothée fell warm inside. “Where is your father, can I talk to him?”

Timothée laughed as he heard the little girl scream around the house for her father; he sat down on his couch, taking off his wet clothes just as Armie´s deep voice filled his ears. “Hey, I tried to call you earlier but I got no answer” said the older man; “I was starting to get worried.”

“I had a meeting for this new movie I might be in next winter,” explained the brunette, his voice suddenly a bit more serious than it previously was. Timothée was having a hard time pretending everything was okay and that the lack of physical contact wasn´t bothering him; “is everything okay over there?”

“Everything´s great, I´m staying with the kids for the weekend,” he started, “we´re gonna do some fun Easter activities, all Harper´s idea of course.”

Timothée smiled to himself and tried his best to sound joyful as he answered his lover, boyfriend… he didn´t even know what to call him. “That sounds great, Armie.”

“Are you okay, you sound rather sad or…”

“I´m great,” interrupted Timothée; it was Easter, Armie was spending the weekend with his kids, the last thing he wanted was to start a conversation that could easily lead to bad stuff. “I just got caught up on the crazy thunderstorm that hit us today, so I´m a little moody, that´s all.”

There was a brief moment of silence and Timothée sighed, knowing quite well that Armie wasn´t buying it. “You are lying to me and you should´ve known better by now than try and do this”, started Armie as Timothée shook his head; “but since the kids are here and won´t let us have a proper conversation, I´ll pretend I believe you, but I hope we can discuss whatever is wrong with you so…”

“Don´t even say that word,” he interrupted again, tired of hearing soon after soon. “You are right, we should talk, just not now.”

Again, there was silence. “I´ll call you after they go to bed, is that okay?”

Timothée sighed, burring his face in his hands; he hated this feeling, he hated to be mad at Armie and himself over something they had absolutely no control over.

“Timothée?”

“Yes, that´s okay, I´ll be waiting”

“You know how much you mean to me, don´t you,” asked Armie as Timothée bit his lip. He nodded to himself, before resting his head on the couch cushions.

“I know, Armie, I know.”

 

**_Armie_ **

****

Armie knew there was something wrong with Timothée, he had noticed as the younger man slowly got quieter and more serious during their conversations; he wasn´t stupid, he knew exactly what the problem was and he would be lying if he said he wasn´t also scared by the lack of actual physical contact between them.

It´s not like they had not tried though, cuz they had. On the almost four weeks since Berlin they talked every day and in several conversations tried but failed to accomplish any actual encounter. Easter was just two days away, Armie had a few days off and actually expected to be able to spend the holiday with his kids and Timothée; it hit him hard when the brunette explained he had not only an interview schedule for the Saturday, but also that his mother had already planned a family gathering for Sunday. Nothing seemed to work on their favor.

Now, as he heard Timothée on the phone, Armie could feel just how bad his younger lover was. He had kept himself quiet for most of the time, listening to everything the brunette had to say, listening as Timothée lied not only to him, but to himself. Armie sighed, his blue eyes landing on his two kids that sat on the living room couch; they had to talk or else things would only get worse, but with the kids around it wasn´t exactly the best moment.

“You are lying to me and you should´ve known better than try and do this,” he said. “But since the kids are here and won´t let us have a proper conversation, I´ll pretend I believe you, but I hope we can discuss what´s wrong with you so…”

“Don´t even say that word.”

Soon, that was the word Timothée was dreading to hear. _We´ll see each other soon_ had become their mantra on the last four weeks and since soon never seemed to come, now it almost seemed like the word was mocking them.

“I´ll call you after the kids go to bed, is that okay,” he asked only to be met with silence. That silence, that quietness was killing him little by little; that was not Timothée´s usual behavior and Armie hated to see him like this. There was no one to blame in a situation like the one they were in; Armie blamed himself nonetheless. “Timothée?”

“Yeah, that´s okay, I´ll be waiting,” said Timothée in a rather soft voice; he wanted to make things right too, Armie could feel it.

“You know how much you meant to me, don´t you,” said Armie, his heart pounding on his chest at the thought that maybe, just maybe, Timothée wasn´t aware of just how much he truly meant to him and the lengths he would go to make sure their relationship worked.

“I know, Armie, I know,” was all Timothée said before he hung up the phone.

Armie tossed the phone on the marble island, his head buried on his hands as he took several deep breaths. He had lost Timothée once, he had absolutely no intention of letting that happen again; still what he most feared was coming true, the distance was again coming in between them and to be fair, not even he could understand how their relationship was supposed to last, or better yet, begin when they didn´t even see one another.

“Daddy, are you okay,” the soft young voice asked. Armie inhaled deeply, rubbing his face before he turned to his almost nine year old daughter; “is Uncle Timmy coming to spend Easter with us?”

Armie kneeled down in front of her, pushing some of her blonde hair behind her ear; “no sweetie, he can´t make it.”

“I miss him,” she said softly as Armie nodded his head.

“I know, I miss him too.”

**_Timothée_ **

****

Timothée had his head buried on his hands, his eyes were watering, there was a lump on his throat that seemed too almost knock the breath out of him. He felt almost pathetic for letting all this get the best of him, but at the same time he had no idea of how else to react to all that was going on; he missed Armie, he wanted to be with him, but nothing seemed to work on their favor, nothing they did or planned worked.

A whole month away from someone you love and desire was too much; he had never been through that and it killed him that it had to happen with Armie. After all they had been through already, why couldn´t their relationship just go smoothly? Why did they have to go through all this hell?

He got up with a sigh; he needed a hot shower, he needed to relax, he needed to think exactly what he wanted and what to tell Armie. The conversation they had just had was hard enough, he couldn´t even imagine how it would be once they actually addressed the problems they were going through.

When he stepped into the bathroom, he looked at himself in the mirror and suddenly it almost felt like he was back to being that young twenty year old that had just come face to face with Armie in Crema; intrigued and confused with himself, wondering how and why one man could have so much influence on him.

 _Do I know you **,**_ he whispered to himself, the irony of it not slipping past him. He shook his head, removed his clothes and got in the shower, the hot water suddenly relaxing him a little bit. He still had a couple of hours until Armie called again, he would have time to think; now he needed peace.

 

**_Armie & Timothée_ **

****

It was one of those odd nights were it rained in California, a cool breeze and a slightly colder weather than the usual for early April. It was practically matching his mood, Armie thought as he sat on bed, the lights on as the computer rested on his lap. On the screen, Timothée´s name was flickering as he waited and waited; the kids were asleep, they would have all the time in the world to talk. Of course he needed Timothée to keep his promise for that to work and it seemed like that wasn´t happening, at least not that night.

He was about to cancel the call when the brunette´s face appeared on the screen. He was serious and Armie could tell there were a million different thoughts going through his head.

“I thought you had given up”

“You were right, we have to talk,” said Timothée. He shifted on the chair he was sitting and licked his lips; this conversation wasn´t going to be a good one, he knew that, but they had to go through it. He needed to let out all he had been keeping inside of him for almost an entire month.

“Will you tell me why you´ve been so distant lately,” started Armie, “I mean, I think I know why, but I´d like to hear it from you.”

“I haven´t been distant, Armie,” Timothée fired back. “I admit I haven´t been in my best mood or anything, but I never did anything to distance us.”

The older man shook his head. “Don´t underestimate my intelligence, Timothée; I know you well enough to see when you´re secluding yourself, okay? You barely say anything, you´re always serious; lately I´ve been doing most of the talk and God knows how weird that is, so can you please be honest with me and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I am scared, Armie, scared that after Berlin, after all the things we shared and promised, it will all end the same way it did years ago”. Timothée was breathing heavily already, his green eyes wide as he tried his best to be articulated, but in moments like this one, reason was practically a miracle.

“And you don´t think I am?”

“I don´t know, are you?”

“I´m fucking terrified, Timothée,” said Armie shaking his head. “Every day that goes by, every single cancelled visit a part of me just dies thinking about us and how we´re gonna get through this, but I don´t think distancing myself from you would do us any good.”

Timothée ran his fingers through his dark curls, his green eyes already filled with tears as he tried –and failed- to keep himself together. “I don’t know what else to do, Armie, I´m doing all I can, I´m trying my best but I simply can´t help but…”

“But what,” asked Armie, his blue eyes glued on the computer screen; “talk to me Timothée, for God´s sake.”

“I can´t help but see us reaching a dead end,” he admitted. He saw Armie´s eyes go soft, he was hurt and that only made Timothée hate himself even more. “What kind of relationship can we have when in an entire month we´ve only been face to face for what…forty hours?”

“I know it´s not ideal, but we can make it work.”

The brunette shrugged, looking down at his hands; “you said the exact same thing years ago when I asked how things would go after the award season”. He looked up again, Armie´s blue eyes suddenly serious; they kept their eyes on one another through the computer screen, none of them really sure of what to say next.

Armie scratched his beard, his blue eyes scanning the room. He needed to think about all that had just been said; he needed to think about what he wanted.

“Look, I get that our situation is not the best, I know that Berlin made it all seem so easy when deep down we both knew it wouldn´t be, but I just can´t sit down and watch life do the same thing it did five years ago, Timothée. We were given a second chance, a chance to do things right and we can´t let that chance slip through our fingers so easily.”

Timothée nodded. He took a few deep breaths and tried his best to find the right words for what he was about to say; he had spent the entire afternoon pondering on what would be the best solution for them and it hurt like hell, but he could only think of one thing.

“I need some time”

Silence. Mortal silence took them over as Armie kept his eyes on his younger longer; for a second he couldn´t believe what he had heard but as he watched Timothée´s expression it became clear he had heard correctly.

“What did you say?”

“I need some time,” said Timothée once again. “I need some time to think; actually, I think we both need it.”

“I don´t need time for anything.”

“Yes we do,” he insisted, taking a very deep breath. “Armie you mean the world to me and you have since Crema; seeing you again in Berlin was like a dream come true and all that we shared…,” he smiled, trying to hold back his tears. “I was in total bliss, but let´s be honest here, after three years without even seeing each other wasn´t a little stupid and naïve of us to think two days could fix everything?”

“Timothée…”

“Please, let me finish,” he pleaded as Armie nodded. “I wanna be with you, I do, but we need to stop and think about us and all that comes along. We´re public people, we need to be careful and thoughtful about everyone around us, cuz it may affected them too; your kids can be affected and I love them too much to see anything happen with them, or to see them getting out of this hurt, because we didn´t think it through. But most importantly, I don´t want us to get out of this hurt and broken, cuz I…I wanna be in a relationship with you, but I need to be one hundred percent sure that I can handle whatever comes our way and right now, right now I don´t think I can do it, so please, please try and understand me.”

Armie didn´t say anything. He kept himself quiet, still and Timothée hated that; for the first time since they met seven years ago, Timothée couldn´t read Armie´s expression.

“Armie, please talk to me.”

“I don´t like it, but I understand,” said Armie, a small smile appearing on the corner of his lips as Timothée let out a breath. “If you need time, I´ll give you time.”

“Thank you and please don´t think this is a goodbye, cuz it´s not”

“Don´t make promises you can´t keep.”

Timothée sighed, looking down at his fingers; he knew this wasn´t what Armie wanted and wasn´t what he wanted either but he had to do this. Not every thing could be the way they expected.

“Please don´t hate me”

“I could never do that”

Timothée bit his lip, “I´ll keep contact.”

“I´ll see you soon,” said Armie, not even bothering to censor the word. He leaned his head on the headboard of the bed, his sad blue eyes watching as Timothée´s face disappeared and the screen went back to normal. Armie had feared something like this could happen the minute those elevator doors closed on Timothée as he left their hotel in Berlin, he just couldn´t believe it would be so soon.

 

****

 

 


End file.
